my own worst enemy

Big Love

Thursday, May 25, 2006

No, this is not a post about the hit HBO series (which I happen to love). Seeing as how little I've posted in the past month, you might not have known that spent most of last week on a business trip in the Beehive State. That's Utah for you non-Mormons out there.

Yes, Utah. Land of the mountains and the desert, the skiers and the ranchers, the Righteous and the Polygamists. That's pretty much it, really. No, I kid. There's a lot more in Utah than that. Here's what you need to know if you ever venture into this fair state.

Conceal Carry Law

If you're thinking about mugging one of those nice Mormon girls on mission in Salt Lake City, don't. There's a good chance she's packin' heat, and if she isn't, there's a good chance someone nearby is. For the 2002 Winter Olympic games the state hung a banner in the Salt Lake City airport that read, "Utah and it's 60,000 licensed gun owners welcome you to the Olympic Games." Take that, would-be Olympic pick-pocketers!

The best part about the week was watching our program director, a very sheltered, probably liberal, east coast woman turn pale as our host informed us that he has a concealed weapon permit. Ahh, libs. Gotta love 'em. Actually, our host was pretty cool. He invited us out to his "ranch" for dinner one night and fed us buffalo steaks. I highly recommend trying one. Deeee-lish. After that, he let us go hang out with his horses. What a crazy bunch they were. One even tried necking with me (see the pic).

Skeeters & Friends

Okay, so maybe I've gotten soft living in LA where there are no bugs (nor any wildlife, for that matter), but the bugs were pretty vicious. One of the facilities we toured had industrial sized bug zappers with four foot piles of bugs underneath. Stupid bugs. Our host told us the no-see-ums are really bad. I have no idea what a no-see-um is, so I ask if they're anything like chiggers. Everyone asked me what a chigger was. A chigger is a chigger, idiots.

Great Taste, More Filling

I was going to title this section something like "Bible Belt" but make a play on the Mormon aspect, but "Book of Mormon Belt" just didn't have the right ring. But back to the facts. Utah state law prohibits any beer from being greater than 3.2% alcohol by volume. Let me give you a reference point here: Bud Heavy is 5.0% by volume. Got a picture in your head now? Now try to imagine getting drunk off that kind of beer. Seven beers and three shots of Maker's and all I had going for me was a pot belly David the Gnome would envy. I think the beer was actually rehydrating me. If that weren't enough, you have to be a member of a bar before you can drink there. Awesome.

All in all, though, Utah is pretty nice state. Sure, there's not a whole lot to do there compared to somewhere like LA or DC, but it reminded me of home, only with a lot more mountains and not as many trees. Our host tried to convince us to do a rotation there in Salt Lake, but I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.

Here's a few fast facts about Utah:

• Brigham Young led the Mormons to Utah and settled in the Wasatch Valley when he received a revelation from God.
• The head of the Mormon church is called the Prophet. His name is not Roman Grant.
• The prophet is appointed after the Apostles of the church receive a revelation (see a pattern?)
• The Salt Lake Temple is made of granite took 40 years to build. The walls are 9 feet thick at the base and 6 feet thick at the top.

• Polygamy was first enstated by Brigham Young, but was later banned by the church.
• The Union and Pacific Railroads were joined by a golden spike in Promontory, UT (that's me standing this the Union Pacific building in SLC)
  

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